Honest Insight Into Losing a Loved One – Blog Post by Isma Jamil
Closure as defined by Wikipedia is “the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of “closure”.
After Nicole passed away I thought I was going through the stages of loss and grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. At first it was overwhelming, just too much to take in. After she passed away, I wasn’t able to see her. I think to see her would’ve been good and horrible at the same time. Maybe if I saw her I would’ve accepted it as reality and been able to get some sort of closure.
As time passed I know I was beginning to accept her death and I was able to function normally again.
Almost a year and a half later, I realized that I feel like I never got closure. All this time I’ve been searching for closure, for a way to move on. I have been looking desperately for signs from her to help me heal. My life has been in a state of halt ever since her death. It’s just been the same thing day after day…as if I have nothing to look forward to. Deep down inside I know I was ignoring my feelings and trying not to confront reality. I was trying to blur it all out to ease the pain and to deny myself of those feelings.
I realized that my life was beginning to spiral downwards. My career, friends and family and all of my relationships were starting to suffer. I went to several psychics in hopes of them telling me something I hadn’t already known…to tell me about Nicole. They all told me the same thing “she’s in a better place now and she’s really happy”. Of course it was nice and heart warming to hear that every single time but I still longed for answers and closure.
Her passing away was so sudden and so unexpected that to me even till today it feels surreal. I thought I needed closure to move on in my own life as an individual. I wanted to see mediums and all those people with connections on the other side to search for answers.
Deep down inside I was guilty. Guilty of not being there with her when she needed me most. I felt responsible for not being able to help her life and change the outcome. I struggled with the fact that my best friend passed away within hours of speaking to me and nothing I said changed the way the universe works. I was deeply depressed and trying to convince myself to stay in denial. Denial is bittersweet. It makes you feel better at the moment and when you least expect it, it creeps up on you like a hurricane of emotions. It was too much for my heart and soul to fathom life without Nicole.
I’ve come to realize that to get “closure” is unrealistic and impractical. That the whole time I was searching for something that is unattainable. It is okay to not know. Maybe it’s just better for me at this point in my life. Throughout this experience I have learned that Nicole came into my life for a reason, to heal my soul and to help me be a better and happier human being. She taught me how to be happy in my own skin and to love myself and celebrate life. I don’t have closure but I refuse to look for it from this day forward. I am happy to have shared a part of my life with hers, and to have had her as my best friend. I take away all the negatives of this experience, the heartache, the depression, the denial and the unknown. I take with me the friendship and the connection I made with Nicole. Something no one can ever replace or take away from me. Closure from the death of a loved one is truly a myth. Nothing but something you read about…something apparently you have to face according to society. I say its complete BS, because those who haven’t lost a loved one will never understand how impossible closure is. It’s an act of selfishness. We are so brainwashed on a daily basis to feel a certain way about life situations. I say let go and to accept your feelings for what they are and allow yourself to feel all of it. Good, bad and the ugly.
No more living in denial and no more searching for answers. So how do you move on if you get no closure? Well, its simple. Nicole is immortal; she will live in my heart and soul for as long as I live. The universe has a way of doings things that we don’t understand and this experience has been one of them. She came into my life like an angel. She helped me explore my emotions and my insecurities. She brought this joy to my world that I will forever share with others. When I think about Nicole, a tingling sensation goes through my entire body, I am happy. Happy and blessed to have met her. So the unknown will remain just that. I don’t need closure, what I need is to lead by example as she did, to spread the word of peace, love and joy as she did. I focus on the big picture, the fullness of life. That is what she taught me. Each and every one of us, no matter where we are, screwed up or not, is a blessing to the big picture, right where we are. I will have the greatest love affair with myself, because that is what she did. She loved herself to the fullest and celebrated life and all its aspects and she was truly a happy person in essence.
I know that Nicole is on another journey in another dimension, one that I must experience one day. I know that she is happy and her energy is healing other beings in her journey. But during her journey on earth, she was an angel who came to rescue my heart and the hearts of many others. Be patient with all that is unresolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek for the answers that cannot be given. And the point is to live everything, live the questions now, and perhaps without knowing it, you will live along some day into the answers. Life is not an intellectual process at all. The intellect is helpful and brilliant but we must feel with our hearts and live each day with wisdom and allow yourself to feel every emotion. Life is a precious gift and I don’t want to look for answers. When the time is right, the answers will come to me.
I may have lost the physical connection with Nicole, but the spiritual connection I have with her is too strong and that I will carry with me in the chambers of my heart, in my neuronal connections, and in the light of my spirit. So cheers, to moving on in this life as an individual and keeping her love in my heart. We always said that we were “BFFL’s”: Best friends for life…and when you have a friend for life, there is no room for closure.
Dedicated to: Nicole E. Mas. M.D.
By: Isma Jamil